1) Besides the dealbreakers, I figure the level of detail I go into, what I say about my loveroulette support decision-making process, and the language I use to discuss relationships will deter anyone who sounds cool, shares my interests and politics, has no problem with me being 35 (if they’re younger), thinks my photos are cute, but doesn’t want to be with someone who processes their emotions and needs this way.

When my first relationship ended after going a decade plus, flipping what was missing led to a list for me with items like wants to spend time with me in public, respects my knowledge of myself, wants to make out with me, compatible worldviews, and so on

2) My mantra for online dating is that I want a long-term relationship that brings me joy and security, and I want to put time only in the people who make me feel early on that they want that with me too. Despite my numerous insecurities, this approach makes me feel that I can centre my needs, and that I’m always in a position to reject those who end up not reciprocating my enthusiasm about them. Hopefully there are some who can; the good thing is that I really only need to find one of them!

If I had a dollar for every guy that messaged me to tell me I’m fat, I’d be rich. Like, uh, yeah, I posted full body pics and said in my description that I’m a fat kid. I always wondered if it was an extremely lazy version of negging.

But it worked wonders for weeding out the guys I didn’t have to waste my time with. Guys would tell me they’d screw me, but not date me. Bye! Or the guys who gave me back handed compliments like, “You’d be pretty if you lost weight”. Well, I’m losing a solid 150 lbs by blocking you, thanks for the boost!

I rejected a dude once and he responded by calling me fat. I was like…the worst thing you can say about me is the truth? Try harder, dude.

Currently dating someone I love dearly but who finds some of my quirks frustrating

What I love are the ones that explain o me how I just don’t quite do it for them as if 1) it will shatter my world and 2) they are assuming that *they* do it for *me.*

“I didn’t want to find the widest possible list of matches, I wanted to find specific matches who might be a good fit for my brand of weird.”

LW, you say you are 100% not into “being treated like crap.” There are some universals, but might you drill down on that a bit of what’s specifically felt like crap to you in the past and express a wish for the inverse?

This is genius! (I’m probably going to be diving into the dating world again soon, and I’m totally going to use this.)

This isn’t personal: I get really bored with weeks of messaging back and forth, IMs, etc. Let’s meet up! How bad could it be?

As for scripts, let’s take your letter as a guide. What if you were honest and told your dates what you told us?

I think LW should also know that it’s FINE for them to not know exactly what kind of relationship they want. Maybe just type up the second paragraph, then reiterate and get in depth a bit more within the first few dates, after they’ve had a chance to feel out whether they think the relationship would be a casual or long-term one. The same timeline, basically, that a person would need to bring up having kids or something else that would be a personal dealbreaker.

Oh man yeah! It’s hard. It’s an opposites attract kind of situation where the extrovert and introvert try to make it work but if I’m ever single again I’m taking a page out of CA’s book and requiring someone who enjoys my rambly chatty extroverted ADHD self.

I sort of thought that this was the entire point of profiles on dating sites, and especially those compatibility quizzes where one can identify acceptable responses as with OKCupid. A majority of people don’t appear to agree, given how bland and general most of the profiles I’ve seen are. It actually seems like a lot of people would rather avoid rejection (for good reasons of likely incompatibility) than use it as a tool to help filter people with whom one isn’t compatible for whatever reasons. I find it baffling.

– You like showing affection physically and verbally. I feel closest to people who reciprocate enthusiastically when I express physical and verbal affection. If you mainly feel comfortable showing your love in non-verbal ways, that’s absolutely not my thing, and I hope you find someone who better appreciates you!

I’ve only been using Okcupid for slightly more than a month, so I have no idea if this approach, together with some dumb luck, will lead me to the long-term relationship I want, but it’s amazing to be able to use my profile to draw in people who think I’m cool and attractive but whom I’d never cross paths with socially. I think two things make me feel more secure when reaching out to people I think might be a good fit: